i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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