DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
But break dance skills will only take you so far
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
