How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
