Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
