my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
