i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
