Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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