I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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