OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
