I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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