I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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