There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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