In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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