I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
