On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
did you just send me my own nude
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
