Your face is a jimmy john
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
