I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
