Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
