i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
