All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
