please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
