onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
