he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need to calm my uterus...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
