I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
