3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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