just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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