tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
