Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
