It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
