She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if only i could text you this smell
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
