Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
