It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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