Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
