everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
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I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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