rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
