my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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