My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
