I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
