I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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