so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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