i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
