Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
