my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
