i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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