he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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