just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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