I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
