worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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