I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
