Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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