if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
