I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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