I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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