: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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