she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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