apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
