I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
