I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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