Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
