he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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