You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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